Battle City: The Parody
by envoyage
Summary: Just as the title says. Handling irritating predictabilities, hot bishies, fetishes, misunderstood conversations, and cliches. First chapter highights: Yugi displays cute stupidity, Yami Bakura rips of his shirt, and Malik makes his debut.


AUTHORESS' NOTE:

Here's a humor fic. I'm starting with Battle City since it's the ones I have copies of, so it'll be easy for me to watch them for reference.

Warnings: Spoilers, some cursing here and there but nothing too strong, mild character bashing (I think)

Notes: I'm basing everything on the dub by Unlimited Voiceovers. There are no cut scenes and I think it follows the sub accurately most of the time, except for the names. But I'm gonna use the original sub names here.

And just so you know, I don't really _hate _or even dislike anyone in the show, so you could be assured that I'm not serious if I insult a character in some way or another. This is all for good clean fun, okay?

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Chapter 1

The New Baddie Part 1

"_I'm going to get the person in the Millennium Puzzle cornered, and find out his true colors. If he is the one I think he is…"_

-Malik

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Duelist Kingdom has just finished and Pegasus was just defeated. But of course, like in any anime series; when a bad guy dies, disappears, or miraculously reforms, then there is always _another _bad guy to take his place.

And so…we start the New Age of Baddies.

Our story starts with our main character's grandfather…sweeping the street. Yes, _feel the excitement_.

Almost at once, a brown-haired girl arrives, making the old man look up from his cleaning.

"Good morning Mr. Mutou!" the girl greets.

"Oh! Good morning!" he says cheerfully, "My! You know, you've always look so freaking' hot, Anzu!" he stops, then, "…are you here to see me?"

Anzu stares at the small old perverted man, and decides to ignore his comment, "Err…where's Yugi?"

Hiding his disappointment of the girl's seeming obliviousness to his flirting, he calls out, "Yugi! Anzu's here to see you!"

----------------------

Above the game shop, Yugi was standing at the mirror, fixing a silver chain for the Millennium Puzzle. Yami Yugi had informed Yugi that a chain would be more secure than a piece of string. Yugi privately thought that his other self only suggested it because it went well with the new belts they had just purchased…and that it looked kinky.

Upon hearing his grandfather's voice, he shouted, "I'm coming Grandpa!" and then continued fiddling with the puzzle.

_POOF!_ Yami Yugi materializes beside him in a puff of pink smoke.

"Looking good Yugi!" he exclaims, imagining what _he'd _look like when he switched bodies with his host.

Yugi looks up. "Really? You're sure it's not too much?"

The spirit said, "Actually…I think it's too tame…why don't you wear a silver bracelet or something?"

"Eh…that's not my style you know?"

Yami Yugi paused for a moment, and then nodded.

"I see what you mean. That's too plain; we need something that makes a…_statement_," he said, "How about belly ring?"

Yugi blanched, "Are you kidding me?"

"What? Of course no—I mean…err…"

"A nose ring would be better; at least everyone can see it. I don't exposed my tummy most of the time anyways…" the smaller boy mused.

The other stared, partly because Yugi was _planning _on getting a nose ring, and partly because his partner said 'tummy' in the previous statement.

Yugi grabbed his bag and began rushing out the door as Yami Yugi retreated inside the Millennium Puzzle.

"_All right then! Show Anzu how cool you are!"_

"Don't be silly!"

He almost bumps into his mother as he exited the room.

The woman looks at him worriedly, "Yugi? Did I just hear you talking to someone?"

Of course, Yugi had a reply to that. "Err…no?"

Strange enough, this seems to satisfy his mother. And so, he continued down the stairs.

--------------------------------

Outside the game shop, Yugi and Anzu greet each other.

"Is that a new chain, Yugi?" she asks, seeing the…err…chain.

"Yup!" he holds the puzzle, "This chain symbolizes my special bond with my other self…and our obvious fetish for all things kinky!"

Anzu blinks at the last statement, "What?"

"Nothing."

"Oh, alright then. Come on let's get to school!"

Yugi agrees and they walk of together as Grandpa and Yugi's mother watches them.

"Do you think Yugi's alright?" the mother asks suddenly.

"What do you mean?"

"Well…he's always talking to himself lately…"

"Oh, don't worry. I was just like him when I was his age…a long long time ago..."

Hearing this, Yugi's mother decides that there _is _something to worry about and hurries back inside the house to call a psychiatrist.

--------------------------------

"Hey, Yugi, are you doing anything this Sunday?" Anzu asks as they walk along.

Yugi thinks for a moment. "Umm…I don't think so…why do you ask?"

"Well…_I _don't have anything planned for this Sunday. If you're free—"

However, though we all know that Yugi has such an obvious crush on Anzu and should have been gracing her with utmost attention, he gets distracted by something shiny and ambles away.

"—why don't we do something together?" she suddenly realizes that Yugi wasn't with her anymore, instead seeing him with a shady-looking cloaked man with a shiny crystal ball just at the opening of a dark alleyway.

She rushes over and asks him what he was doing.

"Oh, sorry Anzu, but this guy says that he wants to tell my fortune," he smiles, excitement in his voice.

Anzu closes her eyes for a moment, _'Yugi's so childish!'_

But really, what can you expect from someone so vertically-challenged?

They look at the man.

Said man sees Yugi's puzzle and says, "What a beautiful trinket you have there, may I take a look at it please?" he holds out his hand.

Yugi holds the puzzle protectively, "No! This is really special!"

Go Yugi! Give the man another reason to take your puzzle.

"I've been traveling to all sorts of places; I could just tell you what it is. Here, let me look," the man persisted.

Though no one in their right mind would entertain such a request, Yugi obviously thinks that it is a good idea to give a three thousand year old golden puzzle to a guy he just met on the street. He really is a smart boy.

The man looks at the item in his hands. "Yes, this definitely has an ancient past…"

Yugi and Anzu look at each, other. "WOW!"

And then, the man turns the table over, making Yugi fall and runs off.

God, whoever saw _that _coming? Certainly not Yugi.

Without a second thought, he runs after the guy, and calls back to Anzu, "You go tell the others! I gotta catch this guy!"

"I'll get help!" Anzu shouts back.

And we see the little boy run as fast as his little short two-foot long legs can go without snapping in half. Seeing arrows glued to the wall, he decides to follow them, since, for the moment, it seemed to be the smartest thing to do, and as we all know, Yugi is such a smart kid.

-----------------------------

Meanwhile, Tea was running to school to tell the others of the catastrophe. She stops suddenly upon hearing, "Hey! Good morning, Anzu!"

She looks back and sees a white-haired boy smiling at her. The viewers tremble in delight as Ryou Bakura makes his appearance, cute innocent smile and all.

"Oh! Bakura! Someone took Yugi's puzzle!" she gasps, "I'm going to school to tell the others about it!"

"What? Where?"

"Over there!" she points behind him, unaware of the fact that she included probably half of Domino in doing so. Nonetheless, Bakura seems to understand and says, "Alright, I'll look for Yugi as well!"

"Ok thanks!" she runs off.

Bakura stands still for a moment and we hear the unmistakable _tinkling _that signals the upcoming appearance of a hot bishie—err, I mean, Yami Bakura…yeaaah.

Bakura looks up and we see that he is in fact, Yami Bakura; the less-cute but more-hot version of the other boy. And here we are graced with another bishie's return, evil smirk and all.

Viewers drool. And suddenly, Yami Bakura drops his bag and _rips off his shirt_.

"_EEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIII!—"_

Viewers are disappointed to see that he has a white shirt underneath.

Anyways, Yami Bakura uses the Millennium Ring to locate the Puzzle, "I need to have Yugi remain as the owner of the Millennium Puzzle, at least for now, anyone who tries to harm Yugi is my enemy."

Yaio fans' eyes widen and plots for Yami Bakura/Yugi fics run through their head at 250 km per second.

And so, Yami Bakura follows the Millennium Ring and arrives at the scene of the crime, feeling quite at-home in the deserted alley, he ventures in.

He sees one of the arrows and peels it off and puts it back again, this time on different direction and continues walking as if nothing happened.

But even so, fan girls drool with the mere fact that Yami Bakura is on the screen.

---------------------------

Back to Yugi.

_Hehe._

Our little hero had successfully followed the arrows and is currently looking at an abandoned warehouse. He opens the door and walks in.

"Hello? Anybody here?" he shouts. "Return my Millennium Puzzle!"

"You want your puzzle back?" a disembodied voice asks from the dark.

"Of course! Give it back to me now!"

A spotlight shines on Yugi and then at the Millennium Puzzle.

"Alright! Now, here we have the next item on our auction for today! Yugi Mutou and the Millennium Puzzle! It's a special offer, '_Buy one, and get one FREE!'_ Call the number on the screen. Place your offers now!"

Everyone scrambles towards the nearest phone, and hastily starts to dial the number when the screen goes static for a moment.

'We are sorry for the small disturbance…please wait…' appears on the screen. Reluctantly, viewers put down their phone, muttering stuff about things being "too good to be true."

A second later, we see the puzzle spotlighted once more.

"If you want it back, you must duel and defeat me!"

Yugi blinks, "Are you sure? You know I'll defeat you eventually…"

"Shut up!"

He looks at the man, "Who are you anyways?"

"I'm afraid I won't be answering any of your questions, either you duel with me or you get your ass out of here and we can end the show with you being the pansy you really are."

And then, the new bad guy appears. A faded image of another cloaked person is seen sitting on a golden throne, what looks like a golden scepter in his hand. The person was sitting cross-legged, some of the viewers guess the new baddie to be girl, while others hope and pray that it's another bishounen.

Their prayers were answered.

Whoever it was chuckles evilly, "_This_ is Yugi? He doesn't look like the one in the Duelist Kingdom tournament, the one who defeated that gay fashion-blind man," a male voice asks. His face was partly hidden. It could be seen, however, that this new baddie was _tanned_.

A few '_squees' _are heard.

The viewers lean forward, hoping that this is indeed another badass pretty boy, and not like _someone_ who dresses in a red suit and seems to have an unhealthy obsession with little children. Things seemed promising, the dark-violet cloak, complete with golden chains were a zillion times better than a fruity red suit, and the new guy seemed to be the scary of the right kind, not the disturbing-that-makes-you-want-to-pluck-your-eyes-and-ears-out-to-prevent-mental-trauma kind.

"But the one I'm looking for could be the _other_ Yugi, whose secret is in the Millennium Puzzle," he continues, the screen soon accommodates the new bad guy's face.

"_EEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIII!_"

Blank-looking lavender eyes, evil smirk, tan, and two weird lines at the side of his eyes, the boy was indeed every fan girl's dream come true. Now…if only we could see the boy's hair…or his arms…or his legs…or his—

_SMACK!_

Sorry.

He looks at the Millennium Puzzle hungrily and says that he want to see the entity inside it. We then get a glimpse of the boy's scepter thingie, clearly saying that this is a very important item.

Now…back to Yugi and the servant-of-new-baddie-that's-a-hot-piece-of—

_SMACK!_

Forgive me.

Anyways…

"So, you won't give it back to me until I duel with you?" Yugi says.

"What do you think?"

"Err…" he's at lost of words, and so avoids the question, "Alright, but keep your promise!"

"Or what?"

"I'll _cry_."

The man looks at Yugi dubiously before turning away and walking towards the other end of the duel arena.

Yugi looks at the Millennium Puzzle, "_Can you hear me partner?"_

He hears a snore, "_ZZzzzz…ugh…huh? Hey, what?"_ Yami Yugi just realizes their situation, and to hide his ignorance, says, _"Oh…good, I can still contact you from here…and, no, you gotta duel alone this time."_

Yugi looks teary-eyed. _"What? Why?"_

_"Well…err—I feel that someone's watching me…It's making me feel self-conscious…"_

_"Oh,"_ Yugi nods, _"I see…so you can't help me this time?"_

_"Can't you win even one goddamned duel without m—"_he coughed, _"I mean…no, I can't."_

_"Alright then, don't worry partner! I'll take you back!"_

_"I'm counting in you Yugi!"_ Yami Yugi says before snuggling back in his soul room to sleep once more.

And so, Yugi goes to the arena, determined to take back his other self. He stands on the platform as it rises up. The shiny mirror things glow all pretty-like afterwards.

"Alright then, you go first," the man says.

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AUTHORESS' NOTE:

I'm dividing each episode into two parts since it would be too long if I don't.

So…should I continue?


End file.
